


you are a dream of my nightmare I couldn´t save

by InsomniaMagic



Category: Free!
Genre: Dreams, M/M, Nightmares, Themes of suicide, if i need to tag something else, let me know, spoilers for the story, themes of death, warning for suicide triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsomniaMagic/pseuds/InsomniaMagic
Summary: Haru is having weird dreams about a red headed man he doesn´t know. He feels a strong connection to him, the need to help him, to keep him safe. How can he help the stranger? Is that man a stranger?Underneath it all, there is so much more. There is a nightmare to be dreamt and a nightmare to be lived.But Haru stays.And the red headed man takes his hand.





	you are a dream of my nightmare I couldn´t save

**Author's Note:**

> Please, read carefully, it was tough for me to tag this, because of the story itself, but I don´t want to risk it. More in the end notes.

 

Haru´s eyes widened, seeing him on the bridge.

His viewpoint narrowed, focusing on the man standing right on the edge, holding the rusted rails by fingertips. One wrong move was enough for him to fall over. One wave of a strong breeze, the honk of a car could be a catalyst for the fateful jump.

 

Was he going to jump?

 

Haru breathed in, turning around to look for help. The cars weren´t coming, the road was empty, just as the sidewalks leading to the bridge, covered in green grass and thorny bushes. He felt like standing in between two worlds colliding, his head brimming with many questions. The only person able to answer them was ready to finish it all.

 

Am I here to help him?

Should I help him?

 

How? Haru wasn´t good very with words, he didn´t like to speak much, sometimes he worried he wouldn´t be able to express his exact feelings or thoughts. This world was already full enough of the sentences leading to nowhere, impacting nothing, only everyone´s inflated ego.

 

This is not the time to think about these kinds of things.

 

Haru frowned. The man didn´t move, he didn´t even look like a breathing, living person. Haru moved forward with one careful step. At that moment, the wind got stronger and the red headed person contemplating his next move gazed towards Haru.

“I felt your presence,” he whispered, the words heavy as a stone pulling him under water, not allowing anybody to get back up to the shore.

Haru motioned with a second step, closer to the edge. “Do you need any help?” His voice got lost in hoarseness. He touched his throat, and then coughed. “Do you…”

“I heard you.” Young man tried to let go, his hands visibly shaking, tone angry, but eyes full of sorrow, filled with pain. This man lost something.

“Please. Come with me. My name is Haru and I…” What was he, exactly?

“I am already gone, Haru. You can´t help me.” His gaze came back to Haru´s face. Haru saw it, the young man wished for something, anything. Haru couldn´t grasp the meaning of this, he flapped without any aim, any destination.

“Why can´t I help you?” This time it was Haru´s turn to shake. His eyes darted towards his sweaty palms. What was happening to him? And why did he want to be there for the man he didn´t know? “What´s your name?”

“Rin. But that won´t stop me. Nothing can.”

Not even you, Haruka, echoed somewhere in Haru´s mind. “I am sorry,” he said in a hushed tone.

“You are not to blame.” Rin sighed. “I am.” He let go.

 

Haru woke up, cold sweat all over his body. Before he could think about the dream, the nightmare, he forgot all about it.

 

The only thing not willing to leave his memories was the name.

Rin.

 

On the next night, they saw each other again.

Haruka walked a lonely walk, noticing from the corner of his eye the water under the bridge reflecting the blue, clear skies. Rin was there again, holding on, letting go bit by bit. If this was only a dream, why did he desire to save him?

 

No. He desired to make him safe.

 

“Don´t let go.” The wind arrived, disheveling Haru´s hair, part of a fringe falling into his line of sight.

“You are here again,” Rin said, not turning around to look at him. He watched the sea under his feet, the waves going on forward, without a worry in this world.

“Rin?” The name rolled on Haru´s tongue like something sweet, something that belonged there. Always, all the time. “Take my hand.”

Rin sobbed. “I can´t take your hand.”

“Why?” Haru felt it. It was unstoppable, the pull persuading him to get closer, to take him away from there, to make him… not to cry like this. “Don´t you want to try again?”

 

Where was this question coming from?

 

Rin shook his head. “I want to go home.” His tears fell down, disappearing in the wind.

I don´t want you to cry, Haru thought.

I am not crying, Rin´s eyes seemed to answer.

“Then come home with me,” Haru stepped closer, hand reaching towards him.

“You think you can do it?” Rin pierced him with the gaze of a sorrow and regret. His eyes challenged him with a belief, that Haru already lost this fight.

Haru´s eyes widened. “I hope so.” He accepted the challenge without hesitation.

“You´ll see. You can´t. You are not here, you are not real, and nothing is real.” Rin did it anyway. He held the rails with one hand, the right one tried to grasp him.

Haru jumped, their hands closing the distance.

“I told you. You can´t. We can´t.” They both tried to clasp their hands together, instead, they fazed into each other. Haru stumbled, falling onto his knees, as he watched Rin to let go.

His voice still echoed. “We can´t.”

 

Rin.

The name was there when he woke up, it was there when he tried to fall asleep. Why was he dreaming about him? Why did he desire him? Why… Not just to save him, but…

Haru got up to get some water. He coughed, the water tasted like coarse sand. His thoughts were still running, hoping for the answers.

Was it some kind of manifestation of his personality? Was it some disorder? Or… premonition?

 

Haruka put his head under the cold shower. To his surprise, the temperature was just right, coolness and warmth meeting in between.

 

He fell asleep again, finding himself back on the bridge again.

The clouds decorated the skies in the shades of gray, black and white with the warning of a rain coming. Haru didn´t care. His eyes found its target. Rin.

 

Rin, Rin, Rin… Rin… Rin…

 

The name reflected itself over and over, like an itch you couldn´t scratch. If you scratch the itch, you feel relief, but you might also wish for more. Rin seemed to be just that and Haru had to do something.

He was getting more and more intrigued, curious.

“Don´t come any closer.” Rin´s voice sounded dangerous. “I might take you with me.”

“Then do it,” Haru answered, ready for the consequences. “Take me with you.”

Their gazes met, drowning in each other.

“I loved you. I love you, but I didn´t say it in time,” Rin confessed. “If you see me one more time, remember it, please. I don´t ask for nothing more.”

Haru tilted his head, agreeing. “Okay.” He stepped so close, they could kiss. “Now, take me with you.” It was only a dream, right?

They touched, Haru´s body crossed through the rails like a ghost.

“I wish I didn´t have to take you.” Rin sighed, crying again.

They both let go.

 

This time, Haru woke up with a scream. No one was there to take care of him, to cheer him up, to shelter him. Where was Makoto when he needed him? He had to see him; maybe he would be able to find a meaning in this.

 

Haruka found his best friend sitting at the top of the stairs of his own house. Surprisingly, he wasn´t playing with any stray cats as he usually enjoyed. He was there, sulking, not watching anything. Haru waited for him to turn around, to understand him without the words. Nothing.

“I need your help, Makoto,” Haru announced, using all of his courage to speak up.

Makoto got up, staring right at Haruka. “Haru.”

“I am having weird dreams. I…”

Makoto sighed, resting his chin on the chest. “I am sorry, Haru. I am so sorry we couldn´t help him. We tried, we really tried, but Rin…”

“Rin? You know him?” Haru gasped. Of course, he knew him. The question is how could he forget? Rin… Rin! “Makoto, I think I am going crazy, I don´t understand…”

Makoto repeated himself. “I am so sorry…” He moaned in desperation. “He died. We couldn´t save him. He…”

Out of the blue, Haru knew. He took his own life, didn´t he?

Makoto suddenly left, leaving Haru alone, with the thoughts of life and death, of joy and sorrow, of gaining and losing. He didn´t try to stop him. Rin was gone, forever, and not even Haru could change that.

 

He had to speak to him.

That was the reason for Haru´s visit at the cemetery. He tried to remember where his resting place was, but couldn´t. No matter how hard he tried, he could not remember anything before Rin´s death. Why? Was it some weird coping mechanism? Was it…

The intuition got him to a place he was so desperately looking for. “Rin… My dear Rin.” Haru was flooded with memories, but more importantly, he was buried under the feelings of unprofessed love. It was gnawing at him like a worm trying to fight through the decaying flesh, to get to the bone, to make him nothing… He felt like changing into a dust, into ashes.

“I will live the dream you couldn´t,” said the familiar voice.

Haru looked to his right, seeing Sousuke all by himself, talking to a gravestone two rows ahead. Was he there to pay his condolences? Probably. Haru hoped to be invisible. He wasn´t in a mood to speak with someone he didn´t know very well. Rin´s best friend and confidant. As on cue, Sousuke turned to him. Haru´s body stiffened, expecting an unpleasant confrontation.

The skies darkened, then snow started to fall. Wasn´t it spring? Haru reached towards the snowflakes, couple of them falling into his open palms. It was feathers falling down on them.

Sousuke was getting closer. Haru braced himself for the collision, but Sousuke ignored him. “Hello, Rin,” he said, acting as Haru was invisible.

Maybe he dreamed again, Haru thought, feeling the feathers getting heavier. His eyes darted towards the tombstone two rows ahead. He decided to change places with Sousuke and walked right there.  

Haru stopped breathing. He was staring at his own name, the date of his death happening a week before Rin. At that moment, Haru dwindled away, remembering everything, even the events after his life dissolved into the nothingness.

 

Rin watched him tentatively. Haru was always a very good driver, but God forbid you say something inappropriate he might understand as a challenge. Sousuke made a mistake once just like that and the result was racing through the streets of Australia.

Today was different, they were home in Japan. “This was my first win at the Olympics,” Rin said proudly, with a photo and a gold medal in his hands. “And first the Olympic medal as a team, Haru.” He nudged his friend with the elbow, smiling widely. “Come on, Haru, aren´t you happy? Even Ikuya was more expressive than usual and…”

“I am happy,” Haru interrupted.

“Then show it a bit? For me?” Rin smiled even broader, baring his pointy teeth.

Haru gave him a quick side glance, still watching the road. “I love listening to your happiness. I always did.”

“What?” Rin´s smile was replaced with a shock.

Haru turned his head a bit. “Your passion is contagious.” It´s good for me, he added quietly. “We are almost there, let Makoto and Yamazaki now, please.”

“Sousuke,” Rin chuckled, “You know you can call him Sousuke.”

“I know,” Haru deadpanned.

Rin had to stifle his incoming laughs. “Savage.” He took out his phone, ready to call or text them, when he turned to Haru again. “You know, I may not show it often, but I like your quietness. It´s… refreshing and… even if I don´t often understand as well as Makoto, it´s… enough, you know?”

“I do,” Haru whispered.

“Haru?” Rin asked, noticing the worried expression in Haru´s face. “Haru!” Rin shouted, and then the van hit them.

 

Rin didn´t want to open his eyes. He knew what happened. He knew he was gone. He knew right away. They were hit hard, Haru´s body flying out of the car, dead on the impact. Rin woke up in twenty-four hours, surrounded by those closest to him.

Sousuke took care of him with his calm and collected demeanor. Gou was there to provide support and a shoulder to cry on. His mom stood by his side to embrace him and rock him until he cried himself to sleep. Makoto was there to remind him of his own worth, of Haru´s feeling, opinions and adoration for him.

But Rin couldn´t take it. He tried every minute, every hour, every day.

He was hollow.

They just won. They became a national sensation. The media tried to get inside, thankfully, Ikuya and his brother Natsuya, together with Nao took care of that.

Rin cried when he was lonely, he cried when there were others. He didn´t care anymore, he couldn´t.

 

they-just-won.

 

And he wanted to tell him… to ask him…

He just wanted to love, as a friend, as a lover, as a rival, as a teammate.

 

Every step felt like knives to his feet. Every breath burned him with a fire of the damned. Every heartbeat reminded him of the loss that couldn´t be reversed.

“It should have been me,” Rin whispered to the grave. “You deserve this life so much more. You got me out once, you gave me the second chance. I almost left, forever, but you… you saved me. How can I show you many more sights you´ve never seen before? And what about me? How can I see them without you? How?”

Rin kneeled at his grave, resting palms on the tombstones, his fingertips touching the engraving of Haru´s name. His tears disgraced the resting place of his. Haru wouldn´t want him to cry for him,

but it couldn´t be stopped.

 

Rin walked towards the lake, where he used to play with Gou and Sousuke as children. It seemed so long ago… it was so far away, like a distant memory of another life.

He looked up, and then started undressing himself. Rin needed this. Only swimming could provide him some clarity, or even sanity.

Rin jumped in, swimming ahead, hoping to see the brighter times. How could he do this without Haru? It was supposed to be them, always and forever, together on that podium, again and again and again.

The water didn´t bring him anything he was looking for. He tried so hard to drown his pain away, let it sink until the bottom was reached, anchor it there as a boat that needed to stay, without moving away.

He needed… he needed…

Rin ducked underwater. Why did it feel so good? He was getting lower and lower, his palms touching the green algae flowing all around him. He looked up at the disappearing sun. Why was he feeling so good down there?

His hair blocked the vision, then the blackness came.

Swim up, the inner voice commanded. Rin should have done that. He knew this wasn´t what Haru would want, but it felt so good, so freeing…

Rin felt free.

Water was embracing him, making him safe. No one could save him this time, not even Haru himself.

 

Rin saw it. He saw the sight he hasn´t seen before. Weird, those blue eyes and dark black hair. Just take me home, please. Take me home…

 

Free me, Haruka. Take my hand.

 

And he did, with Rin not realizing how much of a disaster and havoc he left behind.

 

Then they both cried, seeing the hell on earth for those living, mourning their beloved. “I didn´t want to, Haru… I really didn´t want to… I failed.”

“No, you didn´t. But we can´t let it happen again.”

“What do you mean?” Haru´s words confused Rin.

“Let´s show those in need the sights they´ve never seen before. Shall we?” Haru reached to him once again.

Rin nodded and took his hand. “Let´s go.”

 

The Water giveth and the Water taketh it away.

You are not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, if you have any idea or experience with how to tag the story like this appropriately, let me know! Kudos and comment are always appreciated, have a nice day :*
> 
> tumblr: insomniamagic


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